Dear Professor Brad Blackstone,
My name is Wong Jia Rong and I'm currently a year 1 civil engineering student in Singapore Institute of Technology. Using this letter, I hope to introduce myself further for you to get to know me better. I was a student in Singapore Polytechnic from civil engineering for 3 years. The reason for me to join this industry is as from young I looked up to both my brothers who were working in STEM, and this inspired me to be an engineer. With an interest in civil engineering since young and being a more hands on learner, I ultimately chose civil engineering.
One of my key strengths in communication is delivering clear and concise messages, ensuring my points are understood effortlessly. However, due to neglecting the feelings of others, this strength of mine has shown that I offend people without knowing I have done so. One weakness of mine is when presenting to a large crowd, I tend to get nervous and stutter in front of the audience. In most cases, I tend to forget my script and end up stumbling through my presentation.
One of my goals from this module is to learn how to speak confidently and intelligently to avoid accidentally offending people. This skill will allow me to avoid any conflict in the workforce be it being a leader or not. Another skill I would like to pick up from this module is how to write emails in a more professional and friendly manner. With this skillset I believe that I would have a better time in the workforce communicating with my colleagues or bosses. With these said, I seek for your guidance in helping me accomplish the goals that I have set for myself.
Regards
Wong Jia Rong
Hi Jia Rong, thank you for your self-introduction. It was really insightful to learn that you were inspired by both of your brothers to study engineering. I also think that your goal for this module is also very important because our intention may not be communicated correctly if, for example, the right grammar or tone is not used correctly.
ReplyDeleteWith regards to the areas of improvement, I feel that your grammar and use of language can be improved. For example, you should say "I will have a better time in the workforce...." instead of "I would have a better time in the workforce..." as you will be applying this to the future.
Overall, I think that your letter has provided a lot of insight and clarity albeit the use of language, grammar and structure.
Best regards,
Zenden Soh
Hi Zenden,
DeleteThank you for your informative feedback. I will take note of the areas to improve on and do better on my next email
Best Regards
Jia Rong
Hi Jia Rong,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your email! It's great to learn more about you and what inspired you to pursue civil engineering. Similar to your story, I was also inspired by my uncle to pursue civil. It's admirable to see how determined you are in achieving your goals for this module.
I really like the logical flow of your email, and your self awareness makes the email relatable and reflective. Your meaningful and relatable story provides a personal and engaging touch.
That being said, here are a few things I felt that you could improve on. There are a few grammatical errors and awkward sentence structure. For example, 'The reason for me to join this industry is as from young I looked up to both my brothers who were working in STEM, this inspired me to be an engineer.'. Instead you can write 'I chose this industry because, from a young age, I looked up to my brothers working in STEM, which inspired me to pursue engineering'. Furthermore remember to capitalize 'I'.
That's all from me, I look forward to learning and working together with you as blogging buddies for this module!
Best regards,
Priya
Hi Priya
DeleteThank you so much for you comment. Appreciate you taking time to make this comment. I will take notes on the area to improve on and do better on the next email. Have a pleasant day ahead
Hi Jia Rong,
ReplyDeleteYour letter effectively introduces your background, strengths, weaknesses, and goals, but it could benefit from more concise language, smoother transitions, and improved grammar. The introduction provides context but could be more focused, and the discussion of strengths and weaknesses would be stronger with a balance between self-awareness and improvement efforts. Your goals are well-articulated, though the section could be streamlined to avoid repetition. Finally, polishing grammatical errors, formalizing the tone, and ensuring consistent capitalization will enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of your letter.
Hi Wen Han,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for you comment. Appreciate you taking time to make this comment. I will take notes of the area to improve on and do better on the next email. Have a nice day ahead.
Dear Jia Rong,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this mostly clear, concise and fairly informative letter. You address the points of the brief in a decent manner.
I like learning, for example, about how your brothers impacted your interest in STEM subjects, which apparently led you on a path for engineering. I'm curious though why you opted for civil and not, say mechanical.
I appreciate you sharing your comm skills strength and weakness, and it's interesting when you state that at times your directness can be interpreted as "neglecting the feelings of others." It's good that you are actually aware of that tendency, so building on such awareness, maybe you can address the behaviour and be more empathetic of others' needs.
In your letter, you also explain that you want to communicate more "confidently and intelligently," which for me means you want to
develop more sensitivity in speaking. You even state that ,"This skill will allow me to avoid any conflict in the workforce be it being a leader or not."
There are a couple points being made here, I guess. One is that you have reflected and see the need for change. The other is, it seems, a desire for "being a leader." Is that correct? Whatever the case, you certainly can only win friends and influence people if and when you are deeply aware of what they need and how they might react to you.
In terms of your language use, this letter is a very good effort. There are, however, a few areas that I'd like you to take note of:
(I've done the first two for you.)
1. The reason for me to join this industry is as from young I looked up to both my brothers who were working in STEM, this inspired me to be an engineer. > (comma splice/run on sentence)
The reason for me to join this industry is as from young I looked up to both my brothers who were working in STEM, AND this inspired me to be an engineer.
2. ...I would forget about the script that I am suppose to say and hence messing up my presentation. > (lack of parallel structure)
I would forget about the script that I am supposeD to say and mess up my presentation.
3. without beating around the bush > (informal language use) ?
4. With this skillset i believe that i would have a better time in the workforce communicating with my colleagues or bosses. With these said, i seek for your guidance in helping me accomplish the goals that i have set for myself. > (use of non-caps)
I look forward to working with you further this term.
Best wishes,
Brad
Dear Prof Brad,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your informative feedback. I will take note of the areas to improve on and do better on my next email.
Best Regards
Jia Rong
Dear Prof Brad
ReplyDeleteChanges were made and updated. Hope this email sounds better than the last one. Once again, thanks for your informative feedback. Looking forward to working with you and get the best out from this module
Best Regards
Jia Rong